I don't love you

Louis has this 'thing' with relationships. I know huh! News Break: Autistic boy has trouble with relationships!!

For example, he says he can only have ONE friend. This was fine for a while, because frankly, I was simply thrilled that he wanted to have ANY friends. However, this became a problem when Louis decided it was time to change friends. And so, he did.

He marched up to this kid at his preschool and said "you not friend now, Jay is friend". And walked off.

Now, I do not expect to be able to explain to Louis how this affected the other child. He believes that everyone is 'happy' all the time. He doesn't understand point of view, or anything much about emotions.

As I was picturing the other boy to be devastated, I asked Louis to just keep his mouth shut about who was his friend. I mean, honestly, you would never know if you were Louis' 'friend'. He pretty much only parallel plays at this point, with some random body slamming thrown in.

Louis responded "No, I NEED to tell".

And that is all he would say on the subject. We have some work to do on this boy's social skills.

Anyway, all that pales in signficance as I describe how this affects ME.

Louis repeatedly tells me that he doesn't love me. That he can't love me, because he loves Nanna.

I only feel hurt when I am hormonal. I mean, I know it is part of the autism deal with him, but fucking hell.....I AM HIS MOTHER!!!!

Tonight, as I put him to bed (note I said ME, not bloody Nanna), I scooted close to him (not touching of course, as that is verboten). I whispered into the darkness "I love you, Louis".

He rolled away from me like I was on fire and shouted "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, I love NANNNNNAAAAAA!". I got pissy and said "you know, you can love me too. Just a little bit. I AM your MOTHER". He rolled back and looked at me. His large, beautiful eyes gazed at mine and he whispered:

"I don't love you. I love Nanna. I want you to marry a big, red bus"

With that, he rolled away from me and drifted off to sleep.