Tuesday, 31 January 2012

Totally traumatised by Kindi......me not him

My beautiful son started Kindergarten.

He says that it is "totally awesome".

His teacher says he has had a "lovely couple of days, but he is reticent around the children and just watches them, sussing them out"

They are going to get a social story going on how to strike up conversations.

I did a bit of this with him this afternoon......

when I wasn't grilling him for information on his "feelings about school" etc etc. I am being a shitty anxious mother.

A mother who feels like she has been kicked in the guts and has been crying since he went to bed, because she can't get the picture out of her head of her beautiful son isolated and frightened in a playground of neurotypicals that just don't understand him and don't want to.

Hmmmmm overreacting yes. Hopefully this is just some grief slash loss slash new chapter bullshit and I can be back to normal asap.

Friday, 23 December 2011

Have yourself a.......

And the festive day rolls around yet again.

I have not been here too much. A mixture of not enough time and not wanting to record the whys and wherefores of our lives. Suffice to say we have been having some difficulty with anxiety. End of year, change looming for big school, endless illnesses, a shit for brains paediatrician, and of course the old abiding Santa phobia.

This year I am asking Santa for a new paediatrician who is competent and knowledgable and respectful about autism. New skills and medication to help Louis enough to manage Kindergarten. An unwavering ability to look at the positives and bright side of life. Oh, boundless energy and enthusiasm would be gratefully accepted too.

You know,all bitching aside.... I am excited. Louis has happily accepted the tree in the house this year. We had a lovely time decorating it - and I only turned into the Tree Nazi when my mother tried to put the tinsel on in a vertical manner (WTF?!). We have avoided having any pictures, labels, wrapping paper, cards or decorations with Santa on them. God bless him, Louis really hates the man. At his preschool concert, I was moved to tears as I watched 12 little boys and girls with Santa hats and one skinny pale kid with reindeer antlers. Damn, he was the cutest thing ever.

Presents are going to be multiple in nature this year (only two last year). I believe that he will be able to cope and if he can't I will whisk a couple into a dark corner for later opening. I don't want to instil a materialistic bent to Louis' fairly zen nature but I really wanted to find something that would make his little face light up with excitement. Last year, when asked what he wanted for Christmas, he asked for "a circle". This year, he has asked for a "gold car". A matchbox car that costs about $2.00. It might be a failing within me, but I just can't bring myself to buy him a two buck car and call it quits. He would be happy, but I would feel like a tight arse jerk. Yeah, I know, my problem. Fuck it, add that one to the list I will bring to therapy when I can afford it.

The old man has three weeks off, which is very exciting. Three weeks of shared parenting, and in holiday season too! Husband is extremely good with Louis. They take long bus trips together, wander museums in quiet hours and float and splash in the pool for days on end.

Speaking of the pool, the weather for this time of year is ridiculous. It has not cracked 25 degrees. Usually we are heading for 40 degrees by Christmas. Unbelievable. I wish it would fine up. There is nothing more calming to Louis sensorily than a good hour or so in the pool.

And so my dear friends, I hope you all get through this festive season unscathed. If I could have you over for a dip in the pool with the kids, I would be delighted. Actually, I know one good reader who should be in the drink within a week. She is dreadfully lovely, but her son......divine!

Well this ramble has come to an end.

Adieu and Happy Christmas everyone xx

Tuesday, 6 December 2011

Oh dear

Absence seizures. Not sure how many a day.
His severe anxiety needs to be addressed with medications before we consider Epilim.
It isn't affecting his learning and the dangers of developing more severe seizures need to be weighed up against the medicine's side effects.

His anxiety is getting worse and not responding to cognitive therapy or homoeopathics.

I am gutted.

i want a cigarette.

Sunday, 4 December 2011

A few Louisms

Just want to make a note of a few new Louisisms.

Daddy has been trying to teach Louis the basics of meditation, in our ongoing quest to ease his anxiety. Louis however, tries to breathe "fast", as fast is better than slow....obviously.

Anyway, he has made up a new game. He asks politely if you want to "play the meditation game" The game is you hold hands and as he says "the first one to let go wins". The kid is a sage.

I asked Louis yesterday if he knew where the "ladies" were...meaning the toilet. we were playing a game of restaurants...it had gotten awfully repetitive and I wanted to mix things up a little. He looked at me blankly and walked away. He came back with his arms around thin air and said "here are the ladies!".

I have mentioned it before, but it kills me.....when he has his hands full, he always triumphantly announces "I have full of hands!".

Neurologist tomorrow.

I am nervous.

He is oblivious.

I prefer it that way.


Friday, 11 November 2011

Hold my hand

things have been anxious and tense for the little fella lately. He has dealt beautifully with a birthday (5!!) and new floors in the house and integration days into kindergarten.

however, he has lost his ability to play at his friends house. his little friend had a few noisy tantrums and Louis just could not handle it. He has managed to allow the friend back into our house, on the proviso that he does not have a noisy tantrum, but he just cannot go back into his friends house.

He has started biting his fingers. Not his nails, just the flesh....until it bleeds. He is having trouble feeling when he needs to go to the toilet and so has had a few accidents at home and preschool. He has moved away from dinosaur obsession back to Thomas and Fireman Sam.....all indicators of significant stress and anxiety. Oh and massive trouble with noise aversion again.

Trying to keep things level and calm for him, without trying to wrap him in cotton wool. Thank goodness it is swimming weather, so he is getting lots of calming water propriocepton input. time to find him new chewing necklace. He is doing well with using ear plugs, when he needs to. He beautifully self regulates when we have people over, by going to his room and drawing the curtains, turns on the fan and sucks his dummys.

The kid is fucking champion.

Tonight, he reached for me as he fell asleep and whispered " hold my hand so I don't lose you"

I am never going to leave baby.

Friday, 30 September 2011

Farewell Charlie

I feel like all I write about is feeling crap. Then I figure, maybe I need to investigate new anti-depressants.

Then I remember that my dog died last week. I had to put him down, due to cancer. I have lost 4 animals in the last year. And of course, they were fast following on my darling Henry and my dear friend Cheryl.

I don't like it.

It makes me sad.

It compounds my hyper awareness of my mortality. Then I think of Louis and AARRRRRGGGH!!

I mean come on universe, God, higher power, planets, angels.....whatever. ENOUGH ALREADY!!!!

If there is some goddamn message I am supposed to be getting, fucking post me a letter. I am obviously not GETTING it!!!!!

And then I remember that I am not the centre of the universe. I am not being punished.

With life there is death.

With darkness there is light.

With pain there is joy.

With all the darkness, pain, and death my darling Charlie.....there was you.

Thank you.

Thank you for being a damn good boy. I love you sweetheart.

Tuesday, 20 September 2011


Oh My Goodness.

This is bound to be the MOST phenomenal book that you have ever read. I am sure that there is some random Aussie chick that wrote an essay. Can't miss that!
Buy it!!
No seriously!
Buy it!!
Did I mention it is nearly Christmas? Well it is, and you should start getting on top of your present buying.
A book is the best gift, me thinks.

Terribly proud and excited.