I am struggling with the heaviness again. You know, the one where you wake up and feel the rock on your heart before you assemble your first coherent thought.
I get a bit panicky about this feeling. Having stuggled with depression for all of my life, I pick up the signs of an acute attack.
I have been pulling away from people again. I feel resentful and clumsy when faced with social situations. It is that much harder to look the part. I am tired ALL the time. My focus becomes narrower to exclude all but Louis, bercause I need all my energy to give him what he needs.
I ignore the other people who need me. I get numb to all feelings. I stare into the distance for prolonged periods of time.
I get what needs to be done and for every second of that time, I am counting down the seconds until I can legitimately be unconscious again.
I think about my beautiful boy Henry. I snap out of day dreams, where I am reliving his funeral over and over. I lose myself in fantasies, where he is playing in the yard with Louis and then I come back with a thud, my eyes automatically finding his urn.
These stone eggs on my heart will grow lighter. It takes time. But all in life passes. This I know.
4 comments:
I know that heaviness well. I'm not much into praying, but you're in my prayers today.
I had read your first posts before. That first one back in '09 and then the break until this January says it all. So glad that you are out here with us. It sounds nuts, but I find so much comfort out here in the blogosphere.
(((hugs to you)))
Thanks to you both. It does make a difference Lynn.
I'm thinking of you too.
That heaviness, it is so hard to shift and to do anything with. I find my husband is the person I can talk to and he take up half the burden which helps. I hope you have some-one similar.
Of course you are sad about your little Henry. It hasn't been long and you need to give yourself the time you need to grieve. Your husband must also be sad.
As I said - I'm thinking of you.
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