I had a lovely lot of moments with L today. We had a lovely giggly time in the upstairs bedroom taking pictures. I was trying to get some shots of me and him lying together....he was more interested in taking pictures of his dummy from many different angles.
Yes a dummy. I know it might screw with his teeth. I know, I know, I know. I also know that his dummy was his first and remains his primary source of comfort when he is coming undone. He likes to suck on one, have two perched between his nose and his mouth and a couple in each hand, which he rubs over his cheeks and eyes. I introduce sensory alternatives all the time, but he hasn't found anything that gives him what dummys do. As he still suffers intense anxiety in everyday life, I figure we will wait until that situation improves before the klepto dummy fairy filches them.
I have to say though, I have limited him in its use for bed times, times of stress and transitions in the car (ie on the way to and home from the shops, but not at the shops). I would like to say that this is because he only needs it for comfort before and after but honestly I am embarrassed about how it looks for a 4-year-old to be sucking on a dummy.
You get tired you see. It takes energy to ignore the looks you get in public when your kid is licking tables or squinting at corners. I understand disclosure is important as it comes hand in hand with acceptance but I am leery of announcing L's diagnosis because someone thinks that his behaviour indicates that I am a bad parent, or basically they are just curious. I get tired when I feel eyes on me, judging my ability to parent. I don't have the energy most days to fire up the righteousness and fuck the world fire in my belly. Sometimes I just need to buy cat biscuits and a loaf of bread.
I am rambling. I am very tired. I miss Henry today. Love you buddy where ever you may be. x
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