Boom Boom Boom

I have been overweight the majority of my life. There were a few years as a teenager that I was average in size and then of course that period of my life devoted to amphetamines. However, for the most part I have lived in a body that is too big.

I love the part in Absolutely Fabulous when Edwina is bemoaning the fact that inside her there is a thin person "just screaming to get out darling!" and her mother pipes up "just the one dear?". Heh heh. Love it. Sadly, my thin person is no longer screaming to get out. I think one day she said "fuck it, pass me the chips and a remote".

Anyway, I am in my process. I have a process before I change. It isn't pleasant, it is painful but also sadly inevitable.

Here is my process. I notice this bad habit more: smoking, overeating whatever. It starts causing me discomfort, then embarrassment, then actual pain and emotional upheaval. I start commenting about it to friends....as in "Jeez I need to lose weight" etc. Testing the waters kinda of thing. Maybe hoping that someone will say...."What you! Get out of town girlfriend! Let me light you up a stogie and hand you a milkshake...you got it going ON!". I also hope for those three finger snaps you see on American crap talk shows.

Anyhoo....I then start to obsess in my head about it. This is the painful part. I get intrusive thoughts. I am schizophrenic in my ability to associate every thought back to my pain of being overweight/smoking/whatever. I lie awake at night. I start complaining more to my friends and Big D. This goes on for months!!

Then I start reading books about people who were hugely fat and then got thin. I am looking for inspiration and guidance. Unfortunately, in the case of losing weight, I have read sooooo much shit that I just don't believe anything except that input must be less that output.

This is where I am now.

I don't like here very much. I also went to the doctor for a check up before I start exercising - following all the rules by the letter. She said I was fat...duh!

Next I am hoping for some actual action. It will probably happen in a few days. I will keep you posted.

You may mock and think how dramatic and unneccessary all this is. After all, I just need to get off my arse and take some action. But it is the same process I have been through when I have quit any bad behaviour.

Including smoking. I started up again after H died. I haven't smoked now for nearly 3 months.

I rock!!!

Now it is time to address the roll.