Oi vey

There are tough days like today. When the meltdowns are neverending. When every transition is a fight. Where I want to go back to bed by 10 am.

L was so hopelessly inflexible and desperate for control today. It made for a very difficult day. He wanted to direct where I sat, said, ate....everything. I won't comply because it makes things just so much worse. It is like he manipulates for the control and then the black hole of need just gets bigger and he needs to control more and more.

Anyway, I am tired and sad that I saw so many tears today. Please let him regain all this lost ground when preschool starts back on Wednesday.

Don't touch me

L has sensory difficulties as I have talked about previously. I believe that they are getting worse as the holidays are going on. His ability to emotionally regulate is very much worse than it was in the beginning of the holidays.

I wonder if the lack of structure that causes so much anxiety and dysregulation also affects his sensory integration.

As I posted recently, his sense of pain and touch is very skewed at the moment. Although he can't feel strong pain, he is totally unable to be touched lightly without much distress.

We had a family lunch today. His younger cousin was there. L enjoys his company, within strict boundaries of course, but today was unable to cope with him at all. It seems that the more energy someone exudes, the more painful L finds their presence. He flinched away from the baby too when it was moving around. A few times he cried and yelled about not wanting to be touched. I think there is more to it than just concern about their unpredictable movements and the possibility of being touched.

Happily, he was fine with initiating touch with others today and snuggled and tickled his grandfather. Lovely to watch.

All in all, rigidity is excessive, emotional regulation skills have regressed and sensory integration is skewed.

Nevermind. Only three more sleeps until preschool starts and the slow regaining of skills and sense of control begins.

Best kid though....did I mention that?

Whammo

Was making the bed around L's flying body this afternoon. It has been blistering hot, so took advantage and got all three bedrooms stripped down and washed. Anyway, during a flying leap, L's foot smashed straight into the side of my face.

No big deal. Was an accident...but it DID hurt. I pinned him to stop him flying around and told him to stop. He started crying. I told him it was okay but Mummy was hurt and wanted him to stay still for a second. Cryng escalated.

Mummy gets excited and her heart swells as she believes that she is witnessing a truly empathetic moment.

I gather him to me and stroke his brow and tell him "it's okay L, it's okay".
Louis gasped through his sobs.....

"but I really want to kick your face again"

The little punk was crying because I stopped his fun!!!

No pain no gain.

Ever had a blister from a tight shoe that has rubbed and popped until it is just red raw flesh?

Well imagine what I good mother I felt when I took L's shoes off today and ALL his toes were in this state. For some reason, shoes that fit last week don't this week.

L does not feel pain like us mere humans do. He acknowledged that his toes were red but said "Nah" when I asked him if they hurt. It is so weird. He was walking funny, but was not able to register the pain on an emotional level. Its like a disconnect between feeling pain and having an emotional reaction to it. Actually, now I think of it, there is a name for this. Hold tight while I google. Maybe alexithymia....maybe.

Anyhoo. It happens often with L. He has two dead front teeth from falling flat on his face on concrete. He gets the shock of the fall but not the actual pain. He had his jabs today too. Nothing. Not even a flinch as the needle went in. (Don't dare comment on autism and vaccination - you go your way and I will go mine).

Kinda funny that his parent's are pretty wimpy with pain. I am a martyr. Big D is the poster child for man flu victim.

Time to get to bed.

Pooee!

It has been nearly 3 months since I last had a cigarette.

People promised me that I would be bestowed with a heightened sense of smell.

It took three months but I concede that "they" were correct.

I can smell all sorts of things that were previously blocked from my olfactory nerves. And I have to say it...... My GOD people...you stink!

Jeez Louise there are some bad smells out there. I never realised how much HAIR smelt. I can smell the hair of the random unwashed slob walking next to me for fucks sake.

This is not a gift people!!

Anyway....

I was also promised boundless energy. So far this has not been experienced by yours truly. I am putting this promise in the same basket of all things dubious. It can cosy up to the old chestnut about exercise induced endorphins. I won't call you an out and out liar but I have a sneaking suspicion that you are just fucking with my head. I am not saying that you are bullshitting me for kicks, you may be doing this in an altruistic manner to get me to stop smoking and start looking after my body, but still......

I am starting to smell smoke and that can only mean that there may be pants on fire out there.

Have started "diet" and exercise. Few days in. Keep the edge of that seat warm and I will keep you posted of any change.

Howzat!

Playing cricket with a bunch of folks/friends today near the beach. L loved the repetitive movement of bowling, collecting the ball and bowling again.

I had to laugh though when he pointed to Big D and said "Daddy, you go there... (behind the stumps)...you be whippet keeper".

Dog of a game cricket.

Physical exercise does seem to regulate L emotionally. Shame it is so hard to get him to engage in it. He definitely gets more regulation from running type exercise, rather than swimming. Swimming, he tends to bob about a lot and ask to be spun around in his float rather than using his own body.

I have read accounts of other children on the spectrum that have benefited from physical exercise in this way.

Anyhoo....I am personally stuffed and am off to bed.

What is in a name?

Poor L. He had a roughish day today. Not much sleep, many nightmares and ended up with me in my bed. He is struggling with lack of routine. As much as I try to keep things structured, it doesn't really cut it and his anxiety is flaring as a result. Hence, he is in MAJOR control mode.

Today for example:

Me: Helping him into his car seat "In you get Sunshine Bob" (I am hopeless for pet names, even though he hates them- can't help myself)
L: "I am NOT Sunshine Bob, I am L... R...."
Me: "I was only joking L, I know your name is L... R..."
L: (Extremely upset now) YOU ARE NOT JOKING!!! YOU ARE MUMMY R..."

Can't fight the truth huh.

In the Night Garden

Last night I was mowing the front lawn by the light of the moon. Well, that may be a slight exaggeration but it was 8.30pm when I quit. We have an electric lawnmower and I was scared that I would mow over the electrical cord.



For all intents and purposes, it was quite a nice time to mow. The sun was going down, there was a slight breeze and no-one had to watch me sweat like a bison in heat.



I was mowing the lawn at night because L can't abide the noise of a mower. It especially distresses him when Big D or I am doing the lawn. He almost looks betrayed as he goes into meltdown.....like what are you people doing to me!!! I don't think twice about this anymore but given the looks I caught from people marching their way around the block last night on their evening constitutional, I realised it may seem odd to others.


But writing this, I get the last laugh. I just saw the OCD dude from across the road spark up his whipper snipper and it is 8.14pm. I may have started a whole new trend here. Night gardening. Very adventurous out here in the suburbs.

dum diddly dum

I had a lovely lot of moments with L today. We had a lovely giggly time in the upstairs bedroom taking pictures. I was trying to get some shots of me and him lying together....he was more interested in taking pictures of his dummy from many different angles.

Yes a dummy. I know it might screw with his teeth. I know, I know, I know. I also know that his dummy was his first and remains his primary source of comfort when he is coming undone. He likes to suck on one, have two perched between his nose and his mouth and a couple in each hand, which he rubs over his cheeks and eyes. I introduce sensory alternatives all the time, but he hasn't found anything that gives him what dummys do. As he still suffers intense anxiety in everyday life, I figure we will wait until that situation improves before the klepto dummy fairy filches them.

I have to say though, I have limited him in its use for bed times, times of stress and transitions in the car (ie on the way to and home from the shops, but not at the shops). I would like to say that this is because he only needs it for comfort before and after but honestly I am embarrassed about how it looks for a 4-year-old to be sucking on a dummy.

You get tired you see. It takes energy to ignore the looks you get in public when your kid is licking tables or squinting at corners. I understand disclosure is important as it comes hand in hand with acceptance but I am leery of announcing L's diagnosis because someone thinks that his behaviour indicates that I am a bad parent, or basically they are just curious. I get tired when I feel eyes on me, judging my ability to parent. I don't have the energy most days to fire up the righteousness and fuck the world fire in my belly. Sometimes I just need to buy cat biscuits and a loaf of bread.

I am rambling. I am very tired. I miss Henry today. Love you buddy where ever you may be. x

In a nutshell

L gets anxious about change. He has sensory problems with noise, light and touch. He likes things samey samey. Not unusual for his diagnosis.

And yet, I have been having a few pangs lately, worrying that L is missing out on a whole bunch of experiences. My friends have been making the most out of these loooooong Christmas holidays and have been taking their children to festivals, museums, zoos and what not. Guilt has a way of erasing logic. I forget that we aren't on same playing field as these kids. What rocks their boat would most likely toss L under the waves.

This exchange today erased the guilt and made things clear again.

Me "L, do you want to hear something exciting?"
L "NO!"

We went to the library instead.

Anatomy 101

L bumped his leg getting out of the car today. He looked at it with interest (doesn't feel much in the way of pain though). He held it up so I could see the red part and said "My ankle has a sore throat!"

Love it

Nothing to see here people

I am feeling irked. A bit edgy and irritated. And really over nothing more than people caring about other people. What does that say about me huh?

Specifically, I feel icky when people get all mock horrified over natural disaster but you can hear all the gasping excitement in their voices. They are texting and twitting madly over the drama while they are squirming with the panting need to be the first to describe the horror to someone else. Then they get all holier than thou about how much they are going to donate, and really couldn't everyone please do a little more to help these "poor poor people".

Just get a grip people. Donate quietly and often. Do something practical and helpful. Just don't fucking tell me about it in that breathy orgasmic voice....you sound like a ghoul.

Boom Boom Boom

I have been overweight the majority of my life. There were a few years as a teenager that I was average in size and then of course that period of my life devoted to amphetamines. However, for the most part I have lived in a body that is too big.

I love the part in Absolutely Fabulous when Edwina is bemoaning the fact that inside her there is a thin person "just screaming to get out darling!" and her mother pipes up "just the one dear?". Heh heh. Love it. Sadly, my thin person is no longer screaming to get out. I think one day she said "fuck it, pass me the chips and a remote".

Anyway, I am in my process. I have a process before I change. It isn't pleasant, it is painful but also sadly inevitable.

Here is my process. I notice this bad habit more: smoking, overeating whatever. It starts causing me discomfort, then embarrassment, then actual pain and emotional upheaval. I start commenting about it to friends....as in "Jeez I need to lose weight" etc. Testing the waters kinda of thing. Maybe hoping that someone will say...."What you! Get out of town girlfriend! Let me light you up a stogie and hand you a milkshake...you got it going ON!". I also hope for those three finger snaps you see on American crap talk shows.

Anyhoo....I then start to obsess in my head about it. This is the painful part. I get intrusive thoughts. I am schizophrenic in my ability to associate every thought back to my pain of being overweight/smoking/whatever. I lie awake at night. I start complaining more to my friends and Big D. This goes on for months!!

Then I start reading books about people who were hugely fat and then got thin. I am looking for inspiration and guidance. Unfortunately, in the case of losing weight, I have read sooooo much shit that I just don't believe anything except that input must be less that output.

This is where I am now.

I don't like here very much. I also went to the doctor for a check up before I start exercising - following all the rules by the letter. She said I was fat...duh!

Next I am hoping for some actual action. It will probably happen in a few days. I will keep you posted.

You may mock and think how dramatic and unneccessary all this is. After all, I just need to get off my arse and take some action. But it is the same process I have been through when I have quit any bad behaviour.

Including smoking. I started up again after H died. I haven't smoked now for nearly 3 months.

I rock!!!

Now it is time to address the roll.

Boy loves his Nanna

My son loves his Nanna. No....REALLY loves his Nanna. As in some morning he wakes up sobbing that he needs his Nanna.

I kinda get it. She is an ordered, controlled, predictable and happy character. She is willing to get down on the floor and line up cars or trains and repeat scenarios over and over again. She is also pretty nifty with a chocolate wheaten and a cup of milk. What else can a boy like mine want?

But still, I don't think he has EVER sobbed that he wants me. I think a bit of heart-rending codependency would be nice every now and then. I know Nanna is the bomb but babycakes, only Mummy can put together the REALLY bitching train tracks. Anyway, you're shit out of luck Sunshine Bob...mummy is here to stay and you know what....when you are asleep, I sneak kisses!! HA!!

Earth laughing

Today I read on the side of a van driving past: "Flowers are the earth laughing".

I am not generally a sooky apple, touchy feely kinda gal but that tickled me. I have caught myself whispering it to myself a few times today. I like the image of the earth having a chuckle and belching up a row of tulips. A belly laugh would be bush of blue hydrangeas and a wee snicker a little meadow flower.

My boy was delightful today. He had two friends over from the Autism School. They are all magical children. They weave around each other like little streams of water. Seemingly unconscious of each other but in fact so very aware.

I feel lucky to have children in my life like these. I like very much to make them smile.

If I knew then...

Ugh, what a kick in the guts to read that last post.

H was born 3 weeks after that post and died the same day. I am not going to write about that though. I am still scabbing over those wounds and still can't go there quite yet. H is loved and still part of our family.

So back to normal transmission please. Lets start over....

HI!!!!!
Its a New Year, and I am here for your reading pleasure thanks to boredom, school holidays and a general desire to hear myself think.

Be back with actual content soon. No really, I promise!