Oh Yea of Dulcet Tones

I thought I was going to have one of THOSE moments with Louis tonight. You know, when your kid gazes at you and says something heartfelt and profound. Well, actually I don't know, but I have read about them.

Indeed, I read of one just a night or so ago. A woman wrote of how her autistic son would cry whenever she sang to him. Finally, he told her it was "too beautiful" for him. I cried (bit of a theme, this crying business huh).

Anyhoo, flash forward to tonight. I sat by the tub as my son submerged various objects under the bubbles. I watched the water trickle down his beautiful, soft, smooth skin and I was moved to sing. After belting out a rousing rendition of "Knees up Mother Brown", I noticed Louis wailing and sobbing in the water...(I get distracted by how good I sound with bathroom acoustics).

He begged me to stop singing. He ALWAYS begs me to stop singing. I am a crappish singer but certainly not totally shit....for the record.

Anyway, I gathered his fragrant, soapy body to mine and whispered into his shell-like ear, "tell me Louis, tell me darling, why can't Mummy sing?" As he pushed himself away from me and got distracted, I redirected his focus back with "Darling, is Mummy's singing too beautiful for you?". Louis stopped paddling and looked up at me with his eyes like the sea. He seemed so THERE, so focussed on me. My heart stopped and I thought...."oh my God, this is IT".

Louis paused and then proclaimed seriously, "Not beautiful Mummy, you sing is very bad. Very, very bad and not good for Louis"

He is lucky I didn't hold him under!!!!

And his name is....

First off, I am giving myself the shits referring to Louis as L. His name is Louis. I honestly don't think that his safety is in jeopardy by typing his name. There....exhale.

Anyhoo....

I have a doozy of a headache tonight. Been shedding a few tears for Christchurch. For a beautiful city and all her people. Which leads me to think of a friend slowly reaching the end of a long and difficult illness. Then of course....all sadness leads back to Henry. So a few tears.

Louis is having a lot of nightmares. Pretty much every night. He was crying tonight before sleep. He said "my bed scares me. It wakes me up". From further deciphering I understand that he is scared of having more nightmares.

I don't know what else to do. We have talked about it. I have done social stories. He knows that when he yells for us, we come. But I understand. I remember being terrified of sleep too. Of course, I used to torture myself with horror films. Louis' nightmares are more along the lines of "roosters wetting the letterbox". Fucking roosters.

I will contact the homoeopath again. These remedies often help ease Louis' anxiety for a while. Still trying to get my head around the idea of Louis having pharmaceutical medication. I will try everything else first but will not let his anxiety get out of hand.

Cheers

Quite so.

I have mentioned before how my son speaks in a BBC English toffy nosed accent. I quite like this, given that I can sound like pure westie trash at times.

Additionally, he has impecable manners. He always says his pleases and thank yous. He always interjects with "excuse me" if he has something to say.

However, I find it odd when my son speaks to me as if I am a visiting church official.

Me - "L, you are such a lovely boy" (I am hopelessly in love with this child and tell him all the time.

L - (Gazes at me calmly and then nods) "Thank you very much, Mother"

Me - ?

Coming...ready or not!

What a little patootie.

We had a lovely day today. A visit to Nanna and Grandpa. We played many games of "hiding and seek". L tells you where to hide and insists that you make a squeaking noise too.

It is quite funny because he hides by simply shutting his eyes or by putting a pillow over his head. When he is "found", he is very quick to declare "it is L R!!!" (his full name).

Because he was squeaking under the pillow (as per his rules) my mother said "Oh maybe there is a mouse in the room". L whipped off the pillow and said "actually it is L. R". Phew, lucky...thanks for setting us straight buddy!

Sweet little chicken.

My beautiful son

is altogether very suspicious of your intentions.

Valentines Day

Valentines Day.....

Fuck me...does anyone over the age of 15 really buy into this shit?

I for one, am not going to buy fancy undies and buy hubby a power drill wrapped in a red ribbon because some poor Saint has been sodomised by advertising execs in order to earn another fistful of dollars.

I am trying to remember if there has ever been a time when Valentines Day registered on my radar.

Maybe as a teenager. When the twin torments of self obsession and desperation were worn like cheap perfume.

We would waft around school, feigning scorn and mocking Jilly Bigtits as she carried her fluffy white bear entombed in a plastic cylinder, with the ubiquitous rose pasted on top.

Really though, deep inside us all, we harboured secret fantasies of red envelopes, bouquets of flowers and pimply declarations of lust and adoration.

Thank fuck all that shit is over.

Happy V-day Big D. Nice one.

Assessment results

Well the assessment came and went. Friday was the big day.

Long story short.....L is autistic!! Wow huh! Is everyone shocked?!?

After four hours of interviews, assessments and an IQ test, L walks away retaining his diagnosis of ASD. He scored an average/above average IQ score. He also has a secondary anxiety disorder.

All things we knew, but now we get a piece of paper that proves it.

The clinical psych was quite good actually. He was really gentle with L and because he was the one who assessed L two years ago, he was able to see where progress has been made and where it has not.

He is recommending that L does not go into a mainstream classroom without significant support. Unfortunately, without an intellectual disability his access to support is very limited. He suggested that L would do best in a classroom with other "high functioning and Asperger kids with similar intellectual abilities". He believes that L will not cope in mainstream classroom due to sensory issues and anxiety. L also measured as functioning at a 2.5 year old in self help skills. So if anyone knows of the existence of such a magical classroom, please fill me in!

Anyway, I have pushed it all down this weekend. Can't make any phone calls until Monday. Been doing a puzzle to keep it in the moment. Very engrossing and obsessive.

Please don't love me!!!

This is a weird recurrent meltdown L has.

It happened again on the way home from preschool. I was watching him in the rearview mirror rubbing his dummies on his face as we drove home. He looked so sweet and drained from the day that I couldn't help myself and said,"I love you, L". Don't get me wrong, I say this all the time,but I am learning when L is fragile it is best not to go there.

But I went there and the meltdown ensued.

L "Nooooooooo! Don't love me! You don't love me!!"

Me "I do love you L" (stupid I know, but I hate hearing him say I don't love him...even though he means it as an order rather than a declarative statement".

L "Nooooooo. I love you!!! Don't love me mummy!"

M .........

L "I don't want you to love me! Don't love me!! "
cue major sobbing and hysterical gasping for breath.

Yikes...... talk about commitment issues! Heads up to all future girlfriends....work out all your codependency issues before hooking up with the L-meister!

What to do, what to do?

I have Tuesdays all to myself with L. I really want to make the most of this time and make it something special. Sure, on weekends we do family stuff and on Mondays he sees his beloved Nanna and of course preschool takes up three days.....but I want to savour some precious time together before he hits school full time next year.

But I am stumped. L is adamant that he does not want to go anywhere. He has been pleading with me to let him stay at home tomorrow.

Of course that is what I will do....for the most part. I insist on him leaving the house at some point. I am hoping a trip to the lake to feed the ducks is acceptable. I have to admit though to fantasies of the two of us swanning around galleries, museums, ferries and beaches.

Once again however, I am left wondering if I am trying to force my idea of fun onto L, or am I legitimately trying to broaden his oh so narrow horizons.

Maybe like most things in this life, it is a little from column A and a little from column B.

I know I have to factor in his anxiety and sensory issues....but I don't want him to avoid the world because he feels it is too much. I guess I will start small and push slowly. This seems to be the approach that works best with L. No deep end pushing here....no sirree bob. Slowly the world will stop being too much and become familiar and safe, just like our lounge room. Here's hoping anyhow.

Cheers

I believe in nexterday

Guess what L calls tomorrow?

"Nexterday". Maybe he means it as "next today" but he says it like yesterday.

I love his little neologisms.

So Preschool update. I was told by the teacher today that she thinks that L must be misdiagnosed. She doesn't believe his is autistic because he can "focus and process information and keep eye contact". She believes he is having absence seizures and is having neurological difficulties from this.

It always blows me away when people just wipe away multiple assessments, years of therapy and ongoing adjustments with the old "he has good eye contact" chestnut.

I didn't feel that I need to correct her or convince her. I am just thankful that L is doing well in preschool to such an extent that he fits in pretty much seamlessly.

The so-called absence seizures though are simply L shutting down to process. He does this quite a lot. Usually they occur when he is getting tired, is overwhelmed or is trying to process or retrieve information. He can always be called out of them and they are not seizure activity.

Anyhoo...I was parent helper today and had to giggle at a couple of very typical L moments. The kids were being guided in a game, whereby one child is under a sheet and the others have to guess who it is by the sound of their voice. The teacher asked L who he thought it was and he said proudly "a person!"

The other giggle was when L left the classroom for outside play and as soon as he left the door he took off running. Now it is bloody hot here...pretty much 40 degree C weather and humid too. So running was a strange option, especially for my gross motor challenged lad. I grabbed his hand and said "slow down L, it is a bit hot today for running". He replied in a panicked voice "run outside, not inside" which he repeated a few times. Poor bugger has taken this no running inside rule to mean that he has to run madly around the yard when he is outside...no walking allowed!

The wink

I got that wink today. That wink that good looking confident young men in their late teens/early twenties give to women on the dark side of 30. He was spruiking for a charity in a shopping centre. I told him that all my money goes to autism charities and if he would like to contribute I could help him out.

He chuckled and shook his head in a "you dear crazy old bird" way and then wished me a "delightful rest of the day". Then it happened. The wink. The wink that is mean't to make me feel all gooey and grateful that such a young and good looking specimen would give me the time of day.

I used to eat men like you for breakfast kid. Keep your sexy winks for your pubescent girlfriend who probably is waxing all kinds of painful bits to keep your attention. I would rather have a cup of coffee and some quality alone time with a book thanks all the same.